The Consequences of Drunken Experiments
by Lucillia
Summary: Orochimaru creates something that never should have existed while under the influence... A series of unrelated oneshots.
1. Maito Danzo

Orochimaru took another slug from the bottle of homemade white lightning he was holding as he staggered about his lab. Kabuto was unconscious on the floor. Tell him not to experiment while drunk would he? Well, he'd show him...

**9 months later:**

Orochimaru watched curiously as Kabuto entered his room carrying a newborn baby as if it were a live bomb. Considering some of the things he'd come up with over the last year, that was an actual possibility.

"Which experiment is that?" Orochimaru asked.

"You never gave it a number." Kabuto replied.

"What was the purpose of the experiment then?" Orochimaru asked.

"To create the offspring of Shimura Danzo and Maito Gai." Kabuto replied with a shudder.

"Get rid of it!" Orochimaru said, looking at the THING THAT SHOULD NEVER EXIST in horror.

"How?" Kabuto asked. While standard policy was to feed failed experiments to other experiments that weren't exactly human, he feared the possible transmission of whatever the hell it was that made Maito Gai...Maito Gai. There was no way in hell he was going to study this thing thoroughly enough to find out one way or another. Another possibility would be to dump it down the incinerator...

"Give it to its father." Orochimaru replied, undoubtedly having already anticipated the incinerator plan and decided that he didn't want the thing's ashes tainting his base. If it had just been Maito Gai's, maybe, but it was also part Danzo...

"Which one?" Kabuto asked.

"I don't care." Orochimaru replied. "Kidnap a Yamanaka while you're at it."

"Why?" Kabuto asked as he carried the thing that was purportedly a human male out the door.

"So I could have, oh, the last hour of my memory erased." Orochimaru replied.

**3 Days later:**

Shimura Danzo contemplated the basket that sat on the desk before him. The letter that had been attached to the basket claimed that the baby inside was his. He knew this to be impossible, not only because it had been more than a decade since he'd last had sex, but also because he'd been incapable of reproducing since that little misunderstanding with Utatane Koharu in which she'd repeatedly stomped him in the balls until the Military Police had finally deigned to show up. It had taken eight of their best officers to pull her off him. Hiruzen's old teammate had calmed down quite a bit in her old age.

He ordered one of his agents to have the child tested. He would find out who the child's parents were and deal with them. Not only was abandoning children on people's doorsteps criminally irresponsible, their pathetic attempt at tarnishing his reputation was somewhat irritating as well.

A couple of hours later, the test results came back.

"Leave this on Maito Gai's doorstep and bring me a Yamanaka." Danzo ordered as he tossed the basket containing the baby at the nearest Root agent.

**20 years later:**

"Hokage-sama, why did you put Maito Gai's son on your council of advisors?" Rock nee Haruno Sakura asked her former teammate.

"Meh, I wanted to keep him where I could see him." Rokudaime Hokage Uzumaki Naruto replied.

_**In an Undisclosed location:**_

A young man with a shiny black bowl cut who was dressed in traditional clothing of an eye searing shade of green sat at a desk quietly drinking tea. A teenager dressed in camouflage spandex entered the room. The man handed the teenager a scroll which the boy promptly opened and began to read.

"YOSH! If I cannot complete this assassination mission, I will run 500 laps around Konoha on my hands!" The teenager yelled as he thrust a fist into the air.

Maito Danzo sighed as he watched his young agent race out of the room. He didn't really enjoy these kinds of things, but he would do anything it took to make sure the Flames of Youth always burned brightly in Konoha.


	2. Chickenzilla

Orochimaru chugged down the cough medicine, completely ignoring the warning label that indicated that one of the medicinal herbs in the concoction had mild hallucinogenic properties when consumed in large enough doses...

**6 Months later:**

The new recruit, a young Genin named Kabuto raced into Orochimaru's quarters looking badly singed and rather worse for wear.

"Sir!" Kabuto yelled. "The fire breathing monster chicken has escaped!"

"The...what?" Orochimaru said, feeling his brain break as he tried to process the child's statement.

**3 Days later:**

A seven year old boy named Uzumaki Naruto settled down for the night underneath a tree after spending the day aimlessly wandering through the miles and miles of woods surrounding Konoha. The temperature reached near freezing levels that night, but that was okay since a giant chicken had sat on him and kept him warm.

The next morning, Naruto led the chicken which he'd named Bawk into town, grinning from ear to ear since he had a pet he could bring to Show-and-Tell. He'd gone into the woods looking for one, and had thought that he would have to go home empty handed.

Later that morning, when the Kyuubi Jinchuriki rode into a classroom that was starting to look like a menagerie due to a rather poor idea that had been borrowed from the civilian elementary school on a five foot tall chicken, the only thing that was going through the Instructor's mind was What. The. Fuck...?

**The next morning:**

The Hokage sighed as he wrote up a D rank mission to create a giant chicken coop for Naruto's new pet which he was sure to receive a number of complaints about. He made a note to insure that it was fireproof as a six foot gout of flame nearly incinerated Homura.


	3. Love Child

Orochimaru had been three sheets to the wind - seriously, the alcohol tolerance of this new body sucked - when he remembered the speculation on what his and Tsunade's love child would have looked like that had run rampant during their youth. He suddenly found himself curious. Unlike everyone else who wondered, he had the means to find out. With that in mind, he headed to his lab.

Didn't Tsunade have two X chromosomes? Eh, whatever, he only needed one of them anyway.

Nine months later, he looked down at the white haired, amber eyed bundle that had been presented to him and wondered if his subconscious had been trying to tell him something, since that had been the third time that he'd used the wrong damn sample. Whatever it was, he didn't plan on listening.

"Dump this in the orphanage with the others." Orochimaru sighed as he shoved his and Jiraiya's third child into Kabuto's arms.


	4. Umm, that's Minato's kid, right?

Orochimaru had spent the day doing preliminary research on a Jutsu he was considering creating to forestall the worst. He hadn't really gotten anywhere however, and was feeling somewhat frustrated. Jiraiya had told him just that morning that things would come to him if he just relaxed once in a while, and had invited him to go out drinking with him and his no longer so little minion.

After an evening at the bar in which he had somehow gotten roped into a drinking contest with Jiraiya who naturally won since he regularly drank like a fish, the young Namikaze dragged his teacher off, leaving him to stumble home alone. He couldn't be seen in this state however. What would the villagers think? What would Sarutobi-sensei think? He was the responsible one, not the one that went out and got completely smashed. He'd just have to transform himself and hope nobody noticed...

It had been somewhat petty of him to choose the form of Jiraiya's minion. He didn't care if people saw "Minato" like this however. Maybe Sarutobi-sensei wouldn't bring the boy's name up again when mentioning potential successors for when he chose to retire. That was all good as far as he was concerned.

"Minato-kun!" yelled a certain red head whom he noticed smelled strongly of alcohol as she plowed into him and dragged him into the bushes before making out with him.

Now that he thought about it, Uzumaki Kushina was a rather attractive woman. He wouldn't mind finding out exactly what it was that Jiraiya's minion saw in her...

**9 Months later:**

"Honey, why does our baby have black hair and yellow eyes?" Yondaime Hokage Namikaze Minato asked when he saw his newborn son for the first time.


	5. Stoned in the Woods

Orochimaru sighed. Waiting for Sasuke and those exceptional eyes of his to arrive had been beyond boring. After he'd run out of quiet activities, he decided to sample that odd concoction Kabuto had cooked up in his lab and had started selling on a street corner in one of Konoha's poorer districts in order to increase his income. The boy had expensive tastes and a Genin budget that he couldn't live beyond without a plausible explanation, hence the second or rather third job of selling whatever drugs he could make or get his hands on.

By the time Team 7 arrived at his ambush point, he was higher than a kite, which instead of making him crazier than normal, snapped him straight through to sane.

_What the hell am I doing here? _he asked himself as he watched the trio of Genin wander into the clearing and get ready to set up camp.

He understood the root of his motivation for living forever, as he had wanted to see his parents again when they were reincarnated, but where the hell did that whole "Learn every Jutsu in existence" thing come in?

Why the hell did he want a pair of Sharingan eyes anyways? Hadn't he determined that the things were the root cause of the Uchiha's insanity long ago? Every Uchiha with an activated Sharingan that he'd met including his adorable and long-dead student had been nuts to one degree or another, and that boy's older brother whose true motives he'd known practically since the day of the Massacre had been a rather glaring example of the fact.

He popped up out of his hiding place and walked past the trio of startled Genin without a word or a single backward glance.


	6. What Did I Do For Suna Lately?

Orochimaru groaned, quickly shielded his eyes, and rolled over immediately coming to the realization that he both had a hangover and was somewhere aboveground the instant he woke up. When he rolled over, he felt something wriggling beneath him. After hastily rolling off of the whatever it was, he realized that it was a small red haired child.

Trying to come up with a believable way of saying it wasn't what it looked like and hoping and praying that that was the truth, he turned to face the door that was opening. When he saw the face of the Kazekage in the doorway and realized that the small redheaded creature that was in the bed with him was the man's son, he was torn between fleeing and fighting for his life despite the fact that he clearly appeared to be in the wrong.

"Orochimaru-sama, I must thank you for the service you did my village last night." the Kazekage said, apparently unconcerned with the fact that his youngest child was currently slumbering peacefully in the same bed as the Sannin and only half dressed.

What the hell had he done for Suna? The last thing he remembered was reading that old book on the Sealing Arts despite the fact that that was more Jiraiya's thing and finally understanding it after years of being unable to make heads or tails of it...

**70 years earlier:**

"Oh, come on. You don't need to put that in the prologue. Everyone knows you have to be either smashed, stoned, or an Uzumaki to truly understand the Sealing Arts."


End file.
